Chirping Cat

Bambi and Spyder have discovered a little moth flying around the hanging lamp in the bedroom.

Spyder has demonstrated his little chirping behavior to me before when I use the lazer light for him to chase. But, tonight (this morning, as it is after midnight) he was unable to stop as he was watching the moth. I was enjoying the show, when suddenly the moth disappeared. I had seen Spyder try to catch it in his mouth, so maybe... well, maybe... he had eaten it? (Shall I change his name to Mothra?)

But, he seemed quite confused as to what happened to the moth. Then, I noticed that the moth had landed directly on his nose, right between his eyes!!!

Adoption of New Kitten

This is the story of Spyder, who I adopted in June. I was visiting the Watsonville animal shelter to show pictures of Bambi to the woman who had fostered her, (Tara) and when I passed by the newly accepted kitten's cage I really didn't have in mind to adopt another cat. I just like to look at all the newbies whenever I visit. But, there he was among his siblings. They all ignored me except little Spyder, who rolled over and looked at me eye to eye. Then, he blinked at me. So, I blinked at him, and he blinked back. This was a very alert and conscious kitten in my opinion. And, he was beautiful and entirely unique. It was love at first sight. 

I asked about him, but since he had just arrived, he was not available yet. He had to be seen by a vet, given his shots, and neutered before he would be placed for adoption. It was not even determined yet if he would be offered at my local shelter or the one further away in Santa Cruz. Whenever I dropped in after that, I asked about him. The shelter did not have any way that I could request him ahead of time or put a hold on him. I just had to take my chances and trust that if it was meant to be, he would come to live with me. 

A couple weeks later, I dropped in just before closing, and there he was. Unfortunately, I would have to adopt him immediately, as there was no guarantee he would be there the next day. But I had to drive to Stanford then, to see the doctor. So, I had to make my decision at that moment! Fortunately, I just happened to have a kitty crate in my car at the time. I stressed about taking this new baby home with me, then abandoning him locked in the bathroom by himself for many hours the very next day while I was gone but there were no other options. I had to take him right then and there if I was going to have him at all. 

I was lucky they knew me as normally they would have shooed me out the door. As I mentioned before... it was closing time. The shelter didn't have any special way I could adopt him at a lower price which they often can do. I'm a senior and low-income. It would have been a such tight squeeze on my budget, in fact, impossible. Sometimes they have reduced adoption fees on kittens for seniors. But, not this time. $120 to adopt a kitten!!! And there was no way they were going to change the adoption price. 

So, I took the leap of faith and called my son to ask a favor. After all, it was my birthday.  I'm so grateful! He put the charges on his credit card over the phone. This kitten was meant to be!

(Note: I took him with me to the doctor's office the next day.)

Cat Fight

Last night I heard a terrible caterwauling outside the house. It was a serious cat fight. I looked about and realized Jeffery must be involved. Ninja, Bambi and Spyder were standing by the door with hackles raised. They knew it too. I couldn't get out the door fast enough, grabbing my spray bottle on the way. How many cats could I squirt at one time? As it turned out it was the neighbor's kitten, who is older than Spyder, but younger than Bambi.

Jeffery was hunkered down beside the water pipe that attaches to the hose. The neighbor cat had withdrawn when I came outside, but didn't go far. I had to encourage him to leave with the spray bottle. This was a surprise because Jeffery is usually threatening enough that any cat backs away. But, not this time. He had quite a bit of fur tufting out all over, plus a great deal on the ground. I felt so bad for him. I wish he wouldn't beg to go out so much or stay out so long. He doesn't go anywhere but right by the door or in the driveway. I can't imagine what started the rucus.

Today, the hierarchy continued to get changed. Perhaps it is because of what happened last night, or maybe it is just a coincidence but Bambi has taken over as queen of the house. Ninja, as I mentioned before has been her target, but today I saw Jeffery wanting to get past her and did everything he could to avoid her. But, she guarded the hallway and he had no choice. He slunk past her as quickly as possible. Both my older boys are now, (how shall I put it?) pussycat whipped. Now I understand where that phrase really originated!

Bambi better watch out, though. As much as she has been mothering and protecting Spyder, he is gaining on her in the rough play department. He is starting to win their little play sessions. So we shall see who will rule the roost tomorrow.

Addenda:
Just as I finished writing the above and posted, little mister Spyder ran up on the bed, aimed himself for the wall of the closet door and flew. I mean, he flew. And he was able to grab hold with his claws for a moment so that he hung about six feet from the ground on the edge of the wall by the closet, before he voluntarily leaped down.

Head Bangers

This afternoon, I got home from the doctor before Esther got here, so I didn't have to lock the cats in the other room. It was nice to see them wandering around getting under her feet, following her, hiding from the vacuum, and playing under the sheets when she changed the bed.

Actually that was Spyder who liked the sheets. Keli used to love playing under the sheets. I could never change the bed or straighten it up without her getting involved. I miss her so much. But, it is fun to see Spyder doing the same thing. Brings me smiles.

Ninja wanted a lot of attention after she left, did a lot of nudging on me while I rearranged the book shelves and climbed up on my lap for pets a couple times. Then went over to the sofa to sit and watch me. How can a cat be fascinated with watching someone pull books off a shelf, and move them around?

This evening Bambi and Spyder were running around wildly chasing each other and at one point they both leaped up to the same spot on the dresser and banged their heads together! I have often seen them run into doors and chairs too. Last night I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Spyder fall off the bed from just turning over. Who ever said cats were graceful?

So, Spyder ended up on top of the armoir where the TV screen is located and I caught him chewing on my cell phone plug. I grabbed my handy dandy little red lazer light and he was on the floor in a flash! He and Bambi wore themselves out playing with the light. They try to climb the wall to get to it. I enjoy aiming at the ceiling and watching their reaction. Bambi, being almost two years old, just sits there with a look of disgust on her face, like she isn't even going to bother with that! But, Spyder just thinks that makes it all the more fascinating. Have you ever seen a cat at the windowsill watching the birds and doing that little excited chirping thing they do? Spyder keeps his eyes on the ceiling and will climb over anything just to keep his eye on the lazer light, all the while he is chirping his little heart out.

Ninja, on the other hand, at age seven, soon to be eight, can't be bothered with the lazer light. He's got it all figured out. He knows darn well I control that light and it is not magic at all. Though I have caught him quietly playing with mousies once in a while. And if the other cats are not around, I can get him to play with the string, or feather toy.

Jeffery... Well.... "Toys are for kids. Get that thing away from me!" Grrr. Hiss! Poor Jeffery. He's two years younger than Keli, but seems a decade older. She had arthritis those last few years, but he has ARTHRITIS! She had good appetite right up to the end, and kept her weight stabilized. He was skinny when I got him, and skinnier now, no matter how much I feed him. He seems so frail. I keep wondering if I am unfair to him. I wasn't able to judge how much Keli was suffering until that last day, so how am I going to be able to make a good judgment about Jeffery? Though he gets around, in and out all day long, comes and goes as he pleases, eats what he wants, tells the little ones to bug off, and has his own special sleeping spots that are entirely his, is this good enough? How does it compare to the Jeffery that lived his life before the forest fire? before he lost his people and home? before he went to the shelter? before I adopted him? I like to think that he was a sleek muscular cat who climbed trees, chased mice, drank from the creek and rolled in the dusty sunshine. And I think his people loved him a great deal. He is very demanding for his special kind of attention. Since he is so long he can stand on his hind legs and touch the kitchen counter with his front paws. So when a person is about it doesn't take much for him to let you know he wants something. And if you are sitting down, he doesn't just take up your lap, he stretches from knee to shoulder.

Bambi and Spyder have settled down and are laying at the foot of my bed, one on each side. Not sure where Ninja is, but Jeffery is meowing to be let in.

Sweetness Exists

On FB, a friend had some kind of quiz. Name five movies you know by heart. I thought about it... and got a few. Then, one that has a song that popped into my mind, but couldn't recall the name of the movie. But, here we go... The Muppet Movie. and the song. The Rainbow connection. This one is not performed by Kermit, but by Sarah Mclachlan. The visuals in the vid are lovely. Take a moment and savor it.

I am sitting here watching it and Spyder is lying in my arms clearly more interested in the music than the visuals as he is purring away. If I could purr I would purr the moment of contentment this has brought me.

Ninja on Guard

I noticed this the other day, and saw it again tonight.

But first get the picture. Ninja has put on weight since he came to live here. He's getting a bit chunky and heavy and slow moving. He would like to play with the others' but makes half hearted attempts. They tear through the house like banshees while he has barely made one swipe towards a mouse that they have carried off with them batting it through the air like a room to room volleyball game.

Since Bambi and Spyder play so hard and so often they have bonded. Bambi is a small size girl. She will be two years old on the day before Christmas. But, she still looks like she might be about 9 months old. She has delicate short legs and tiny paws, a short tail and a sweet round face and head.

When I brought spyder home he was claimed to be 3 months old, but when I took him to the vet, Dr. Neow, can you believe his name? he said Spyder was probably only two months old based on his teeth. In this very short time he has been with us, he now is almost as tall as Bambi. He's slim, but has long legs and long tail. I have a feeling it will be a very short time and he will be bigger than them both, perhaps as large as Jeffrey, who measures 34 inches from nose to tail. I think that is close to one meter.

Due to the bonding between them, I notice that Bambi's mother instinct is active. When she was adopted, I was told she had had kittens at one point, so I think she's got some motherly behaviors developed. I played a youtube vid with live kittens mewing, and she was in her in a flash looking for them and calling them. She also calls Spyder when she can't find him. She will lay on her side sometimes as if welcoming kittens. Keli never did that unless it was hot weather. When she and Spyder play, even though they get rough, she is always the top cat in the end and determines when they will stop, and he respects that.

Ninja has been craving more attention from me, so when I come in from being out, he comes up to me for pets, along with Bambi who has always greeted first. Later this evening after the two angel babies were tired of playing and somewhere in the other room, Ninja came up on the bed nudging me for attention. I picked him up to move him into an easier position to pet him, but he made a complaining sound. In an instant I heard Bambi's collar jingling. Ninja roughly pulled out of my grasp and leaped to the headboard. By this time she was all over him. Amazing how scared he appears to be as he crouches down and growls half heartedly in defense. She realized he hadn't been anywhere near her Spyder, and looked at me, then laid down beside me and kept staring at him until he looked away.

Latent Insanity

The insanity has gone underground, or asleep, maybe. I have been able to enjoy a day or two now without feeling such angst. There are others who have died in my life recently and I had to get to the business of taking care of their memorial pages. Even though, it is still focused on a "morbid" subject, I feel I am accomplishing something for the benefit of others.

Last night Ninja kept bothering me. Pushing up against me, acting all nervous. I got up several times to see if there was something he needed. Food in the bowl. Jeffery in the house. All was okay. Finally, he settled down and slept. So did I. About 11 I got up, made my tea and toast and came back to bed to read. Lazy day. Well at least it wasn't crazy day. So, I give myself some slack. Just before noon... earthquake. This one was stronger than the one the day before. When I went to the USGS site and looked it up, I learned the epicenter was just seven miles from me. They say animals are sensitive about quakes. But, why was it only Ninja this time? Last time it was Jeffery.

The angel babies, Bambi and Spyder were asleep both times.

Bambi has a tendency to stay by herself unless Spyder comes along and nudges her to play. Sometimes they get a bit rough. It surprises me. I heard her teeth clunk against his skull tonight. No blood was drawn. Theys jus havin' fun.

Insane

I'm going insane

Insanity

I feel like I'm going insane with the pain of Keli's death.

Animals and Earthquakes

Honestly, all that stuff about animals knowing about a quake before it happens. I've not seen it. I've sat here with Keli on my bed, a 5 pointer, and she just looked at me all ho-hum.

I didn't know how the new crop of cats would do until tonight (early this morning, ten minutes ago to be exact). I was already up and awake. Jeffery kept meowing to go out. I hate to let him out at night, but he was insistent. I let him out, and settled back down in bed with Ninja cuddled at my side. The bed jiggled, the dresser mirror rattled against the wall. A minute or so later Ninja jumped down from bed.

It didn't last ...long, maybe 10 seconds. I went to the USGS site to check for the quake. It wasn't on there yet, so I waited, refreshed my browser and there it was, Hollister 4.0 Richter scale

So, I wonder. Was that sufficient evidence that my cats felt the earthquake coming, or needed to jump down from the bed because of it? I don't know. Jeffery asks to go out on other middle of the nights, too. Perhaps if I checked USGS each time he did that, then I could accept it if there were some kind of quake reported

Calico Transfer

I had told Xavier that I would deliver Keli's poster to him. Even though it is a very long drive between here and San Francisco I was determined. But, today he called to tell me that his friend, Ian could bring it up to him. All I had to do was drive to Ian's house and give it to him.

I realized that Xavier and his friends would all be traveling together to Big Rock. He mentioned before that he had rented a truck to transport everything, all their tents, camping gear and supplies to sustain them in the desert for a week. He mentioned that the Playa had a very alkaline soil, that there were dust storms.

All I could think about was, where would Keli's memorial poster fit into the scheme of things? It would be too delicate if tucked up against some picnic chests or folding tables and chairs. What if, in traveling, the load shifted, and Keli's poster were to get all scraped up and smooshed against the wall of a truck? What could I do to protect it? I would be going too far to wrap it in a special box. But, a non-descript plastic or paper bag would allow it to be visually lost among everything else. I know my son is responsible, but in the midst of unpacking and setting up their camp as a group, it is possible the poster might be set aside, forgotten, and just not found when looked for.

Silly of me to worry. Deep inside I know it will all work out perfectly. Just the same I decided to take Bambi's mesh "tent" and turn it into a poster holder. It was perfect. Originally designed to carry laundry, it was a wonderful tent for Bambi to play in. She often played so rough with it that she flattened it. The perfect shape to put the poster in. And now, it will bring attention to it by it's unusual appearance and not misplaced.

I drove to Ian's house. He held the poster for me while I took pictures of it, and then took it into his house as we said good bye.

And so, dear Keli's poster, thus begins your journey. I hope her spirit will watch over you and benefit from her experience of going to meet her boy, Xavier, grown now to a man, who held her body in his arms, and cried when we put her in the ground. I hope that this will help appease some of those demons of depression that demoralize me.

I remember what a remarkable place the Temple was for Xavier last year. I remember how he told me about the way a hushed reverence embraced the place. I remember he told me of all the names tucked into the wall, all the prayers, all the comments made to loved ones lost to death by the many thousands who attended Burning Man. I remember him telling me at the end of the Burning Man experience, the Temple is lit on fire, to burn to the ground. Ashes to Ashes.... Playa dust to dust. And I think... what more perfect way to get rid of those demons but to burn them in the effigy of my most beautiful Keli.

And so today, Keli Memorial begin's her journey up to San Francisco and subsequently, on Saturday, She will arrive at Burning Man. She is ready. I am ready for her to go to be placed in the temple with all those others who are remembered and loved. And then all her pictures, (the creation and representation of her earthly life and spirit life) will be immolated,
will go up into smoke,
high in the star filled sky.
Will the ash of her poster reach the heavens?

Maybe. But she is still here with me. Perhaps it is my terrible grief that will be freed in the fire?

I hope that I can heal from this grief in a healthier way, and I feel like, maybe, this is the beginning.

Calico Birthday

Today is Keli's birthday. She would have been twenty years old. For the longest time, I had confused her birthday with my daughter's which would have been a few days later, but having found my diary, there it was. Keli was born on the 26 th.

I called Xavier and told him I would be driving Keli's poster up to his house. It wouldn't matter if he were home or not. I would just drop it off. I was too stressed out about asking Kats too ship it, to find a correct way to wrap it according to his, fedex, standards.

Even though I have found working on this fulfilling, I have also had this underlying inexplicable stress. Perhaps my medicine? Perhaps because I totally forgot to go to the animal shelter to attend the training night so I could be a volunteer there? No... more probably all the fires. The Bonny Doon fire... I mean the Lockheed fire. Why did they change the name? even though I do not live close to Bonny Doon, the winds blew the smoke and ash southerly right across the bay. Asthma all messed up. Stress. Then, there was the Gloria fire that burned south of here about 50 miles and the stench from that was worse. My breathing suffers. Locked in the house, air conditioner on. It is stressful even going out to the car. Stressful to go to the grocery store. and discover that the air in the store is polluted, that children are screaming and running up and down the aisle, that parents are shouting at their kids. That three teenage boys are throwing a basketball at each other, that the announcements from the LOUD speaker are particularly LOUD! Stress.

I just want to get home. I want to get back to Keli, to loving her, to remembering her, to knowing how much she mattered to me as a daily presence of love and peace in my life. Now, gone.

Calico Earth Cat

It took me until quite late last night to complete the Spirit side of the poster. So, I slept in this morning. Awoke feeling very tired. It took me the better part of the day to pull myself together. I was very distracted and kept focusing on many other things instead of my purpose. I kept working on this and getting up and doing other things and forcing myself to go back and sit down. In the meantime the kitten was paying attention to everything I was doing. Bambi wanders around the house making purmeow sounds... a mama cat calling her kitten. Then, Spyder goes to her and she stops.

The pictures I put on this side of the poster represent her earthly personality. The activities of her life. In a few of the pictures, I believe there is also a surreal quality that shows through. On the bottom left she holds a typical Goddess Bastet pose and if you look carefully, you will notice aura of light above her head. In the picture right beside it, again you can see a light above her head. In the upper left is a profile picture with a colored aura. So, even though this is her earthly side, she had a spirit side of her that shown throw. and because of that, I created the picture of her in the center so that a third eye was part of it. She always seemed to have a quiet dignity about her at times. She could be typical kitty cat, and all knowing guru cat, both.

I was hoping to go over the hill and give this to Kats so he could ship it overnight, but he couldn't. He suggested I bring it over the next day, but I have a doctor's appointment. Not possible. So I will just drive up to San Francisco to Xavier's house and deliver it myself. It already means a great deal to me that I do this. I've accomplished something in regards to Keli. I don't know what it is yet, but something.

Spirit Cat

This was started as a memorial card and quickly grew into a poster. I had a small notebook beside me while I worked and as I aligned the pictures thoughts and memories would come to me and I jotted them down in the notebook.

I was going to paste the notes underneath the pictures, but realized that my thoughts needed to stay with me.

The pictures could go off to Burning Man and be burned in the Playa Temple. It made me think of cremation of the body, which I hadn't had done for Keli. Wish I had, as there is something disturbing knowing she is rotting four feet beneath the soil right now. If there ever is a next time, I will go the extra expense of cremation. If I suddenly won the lottery. I think I would have her dug up and cremated.

This memorial card turned into a poster. I had started a water color painting a few years ago. A painting of a universe of sorts with planets and a nebulous cloud resembling the eyes of the buddha. But, I never finished it. Waiting all these years there it was begging me to be used for Keli. I took her pictures, and cut them all into individual Keli's to be placed on the planets, to float in space. To be the center of the universe with her third eye chakra wide open in wisdom and compassion. To represent that being who occupied the earthly body. To represent Keli's higher spirit that which is beyond this plane of existence. Her intuition, her gifts of healing, her power to influence the mind.

I worked feverishly on this. I felt unwell physically throughout all this, but felt compelled to complete it.

I spoke with Xavier on the phone tonight. I just wanted to chat for a few minutes while Kats was fixing the front door. Just wanted to catch up a bit, connect before he goes off to Burning Man. He just got back from New Zealand. I haven't seen him since he returned. I guess I'm just being a lonesome mama.

We talked about what's been going on with both of us since he returned. We both have been under an incredible amount of stress, lately. Yesterday, or was it the day before I was looking at BurnCast on Facebook and watched a lovely video someone took of the temple, as people visited it and up through it's burn.

Of course, I cannot go there to Burning Man, because of my health issues. Well, not unless I can retreat to a motor home with air conditioning. Ha! Perhaps someday... In the past I have given Xavier a paper to put on the wall, so that the requests I put on it would go up in smoke to heaven. (Description and reasoning more complex than sentence implies). Previously, it was a list of the chondrosarcoma patients that died up to that point, and a request for an imminent cure for chondrosarcoma.

As I watched the BurnCast, I was reminded that the heavy part of my heart needs release of the pain that binds me. So in the conversation I asked Xavier if he would be down here in Santa Cruz again any time soon.

No, not before Burning man, he said. But, he knew I had a reason for asking. It hadn't occurred to me, but it did to him. All I have to do is mail him whatever it is I want to have hung in the temple to be burned.

Emptiness Overload

It hurts. I feel real physical pain-- a black hole in my center that once was filled with love. Now it is only filled with emptiness.

Sometimes I have sobbed.

Mostly I can't allow myself to just let go and cry, because of allergies and asthma. I get to where I can't breathe. So, most of the time, this great emptiness, this terrible sadness wells up unexpected. I don't get to release. It is what it is.

I'm in the bookstore and tears come. I have to leave. I'm walking by her favorite chair, I feel my gut churn. I wan't to throw the chair out. I cry. The sadness abates momentarily. It touches every part of my life. I chance upon something, anything, (a chopstick, a twig, water) that triggers a thought of her, no matter how far back in time, and I am in the same pain I had the moment she died, the evening of her death, the day after. The traumatic stress that felt like I'd just seen everything precious to me blown to smitherings.

I washed and put away the food dishes. I couldn't stand to look at them. I couldn't let the other cat eat off them. Much of the time my eyes are dry and barren as my heart. I knew I needed time to grieve and not go out and adopt another cat, but Jeffery grieved and wouldn't eat. I got a cat to keep him company, but also chose that cat, based upon the type of cat I wanted and would find compatible with me, in case Jeffery also died. After all, he is 18 years old, skinny as a rail, has problems keeping his food down. Drinks tons of water, cant remember where the food is, constantly asks to go outdoors then come back in. His meow is one of pain. It's not normal.

I put off taking him to the vet. I know what he is going to tell me. It will cost a ton of money to keep Jeffery alive, or half a ton of money to put him to sleep. In either case the reality is that Jeffery suffers. Am I too selfish by wanting to keep him alive as long as possible? How can I really tell when it is time to let go? I didn't know when it was Keli's time! I was in shock when the vet told me it was too late for her, or pay thousands to treat her, but no guarantee she would survive.

Birthday Kitty

Got me a new kitty for my birthday!

Newer pics of Jeffery and Ninja

Kobe didn't seem to like his name. He always ran the other way if you called him. I figure living with dogs might have had something to do with it.

Jeffery and Ninja are not getting along as well as I would like. Jeffery, in particular seems to be fading. Which might have something to do with his snarling at Ninja and not making peace with one another.

This makes Ninja a little bit nervous and he stays out of Jeffery's way. Jeffery is not able to take care of his fur and fights me if I try to brush him, crying in pain. So I leave him be.

Ninja on the other hand grooms himself often and he's one sleek kitty. Of course he's about ten years younger than Jeffery so it is understandable

Ninja and Jeffery still not getting along.
Having to separate.

Jeff continues to lose weight though he's constantly eating
At 18 yrs I guess his time gets near. He seems much less healthy than Keli was. Which might explain his total disregard for Ninja.

Stop Death Stop Grief

Still grieving Keli. When will it stop?
I guess stopping grief is like stopping death.
The only thing you can do is wait until it is over.