Calico Transfer

I had told Xavier that I would deliver Keli's poster to him. Even though it is a very long drive between here and San Francisco I was determined. But, today he called to tell me that his friend, Ian could bring it up to him. All I had to do was drive to Ian's house and give it to him.

I realized that Xavier and his friends would all be traveling together to Big Rock. He mentioned before that he had rented a truck to transport everything, all their tents, camping gear and supplies to sustain them in the desert for a week. He mentioned that the Playa had a very alkaline soil, that there were dust storms.

All I could think about was, where would Keli's memorial poster fit into the scheme of things? It would be too delicate if tucked up against some picnic chests or folding tables and chairs. What if, in traveling, the load shifted, and Keli's poster were to get all scraped up and smooshed against the wall of a truck? What could I do to protect it? I would be going too far to wrap it in a special box. But, a non-descript plastic or paper bag would allow it to be visually lost among everything else. I know my son is responsible, but in the midst of unpacking and setting up their camp as a group, it is possible the poster might be set aside, forgotten, and just not found when looked for.

Silly of me to worry. Deep inside I know it will all work out perfectly. Just the same I decided to take Bambi's mesh "tent" and turn it into a poster holder. It was perfect. Originally designed to carry laundry, it was a wonderful tent for Bambi to play in. She often played so rough with it that she flattened it. The perfect shape to put the poster in. And now, it will bring attention to it by it's unusual appearance and not misplaced.

I drove to Ian's house. He held the poster for me while I took pictures of it, and then took it into his house as we said good bye.

And so, dear Keli's poster, thus begins your journey. I hope her spirit will watch over you and benefit from her experience of going to meet her boy, Xavier, grown now to a man, who held her body in his arms, and cried when we put her in the ground. I hope that this will help appease some of those demons of depression that demoralize me.

I remember what a remarkable place the Temple was for Xavier last year. I remember how he told me about the way a hushed reverence embraced the place. I remember he told me of all the names tucked into the wall, all the prayers, all the comments made to loved ones lost to death by the many thousands who attended Burning Man. I remember him telling me at the end of the Burning Man experience, the Temple is lit on fire, to burn to the ground. Ashes to Ashes.... Playa dust to dust. And I think... what more perfect way to get rid of those demons but to burn them in the effigy of my most beautiful Keli.

And so today, Keli Memorial begin's her journey up to San Francisco and subsequently, on Saturday, She will arrive at Burning Man. She is ready. I am ready for her to go to be placed in the temple with all those others who are remembered and loved. And then all her pictures, (the creation and representation of her earthly life and spirit life) will be immolated,
will go up into smoke,
high in the star filled sky.
Will the ash of her poster reach the heavens?

Maybe. But she is still here with me. Perhaps it is my terrible grief that will be freed in the fire?

I hope that I can heal from this grief in a healthier way, and I feel like, maybe, this is the beginning.

Calico Birthday

Today is Keli's birthday. She would have been twenty years old. For the longest time, I had confused her birthday with my daughter's which would have been a few days later, but having found my diary, there it was. Keli was born on the 26 th.

I called Xavier and told him I would be driving Keli's poster up to his house. It wouldn't matter if he were home or not. I would just drop it off. I was too stressed out about asking Kats too ship it, to find a correct way to wrap it according to his, fedex, standards.

Even though I have found working on this fulfilling, I have also had this underlying inexplicable stress. Perhaps my medicine? Perhaps because I totally forgot to go to the animal shelter to attend the training night so I could be a volunteer there? No... more probably all the fires. The Bonny Doon fire... I mean the Lockheed fire. Why did they change the name? even though I do not live close to Bonny Doon, the winds blew the smoke and ash southerly right across the bay. Asthma all messed up. Stress. Then, there was the Gloria fire that burned south of here about 50 miles and the stench from that was worse. My breathing suffers. Locked in the house, air conditioner on. It is stressful even going out to the car. Stressful to go to the grocery store. and discover that the air in the store is polluted, that children are screaming and running up and down the aisle, that parents are shouting at their kids. That three teenage boys are throwing a basketball at each other, that the announcements from the LOUD speaker are particularly LOUD! Stress.

I just want to get home. I want to get back to Keli, to loving her, to remembering her, to knowing how much she mattered to me as a daily presence of love and peace in my life. Now, gone.

Calico Earth Cat

It took me until quite late last night to complete the Spirit side of the poster. So, I slept in this morning. Awoke feeling very tired. It took me the better part of the day to pull myself together. I was very distracted and kept focusing on many other things instead of my purpose. I kept working on this and getting up and doing other things and forcing myself to go back and sit down. In the meantime the kitten was paying attention to everything I was doing. Bambi wanders around the house making purmeow sounds... a mama cat calling her kitten. Then, Spyder goes to her and she stops.

The pictures I put on this side of the poster represent her earthly personality. The activities of her life. In a few of the pictures, I believe there is also a surreal quality that shows through. On the bottom left she holds a typical Goddess Bastet pose and if you look carefully, you will notice aura of light above her head. In the picture right beside it, again you can see a light above her head. In the upper left is a profile picture with a colored aura. So, even though this is her earthly side, she had a spirit side of her that shown throw. and because of that, I created the picture of her in the center so that a third eye was part of it. She always seemed to have a quiet dignity about her at times. She could be typical kitty cat, and all knowing guru cat, both.

I was hoping to go over the hill and give this to Kats so he could ship it overnight, but he couldn't. He suggested I bring it over the next day, but I have a doctor's appointment. Not possible. So I will just drive up to San Francisco to Xavier's house and deliver it myself. It already means a great deal to me that I do this. I've accomplished something in regards to Keli. I don't know what it is yet, but something.

Spirit Cat

This was started as a memorial card and quickly grew into a poster. I had a small notebook beside me while I worked and as I aligned the pictures thoughts and memories would come to me and I jotted them down in the notebook.

I was going to paste the notes underneath the pictures, but realized that my thoughts needed to stay with me.

The pictures could go off to Burning Man and be burned in the Playa Temple. It made me think of cremation of the body, which I hadn't had done for Keli. Wish I had, as there is something disturbing knowing she is rotting four feet beneath the soil right now. If there ever is a next time, I will go the extra expense of cremation. If I suddenly won the lottery. I think I would have her dug up and cremated.

This memorial card turned into a poster. I had started a water color painting a few years ago. A painting of a universe of sorts with planets and a nebulous cloud resembling the eyes of the buddha. But, I never finished it. Waiting all these years there it was begging me to be used for Keli. I took her pictures, and cut them all into individual Keli's to be placed on the planets, to float in space. To be the center of the universe with her third eye chakra wide open in wisdom and compassion. To represent that being who occupied the earthly body. To represent Keli's higher spirit that which is beyond this plane of existence. Her intuition, her gifts of healing, her power to influence the mind.

I worked feverishly on this. I felt unwell physically throughout all this, but felt compelled to complete it.

I spoke with Xavier on the phone tonight. I just wanted to chat for a few minutes while Kats was fixing the front door. Just wanted to catch up a bit, connect before he goes off to Burning Man. He just got back from New Zealand. I haven't seen him since he returned. I guess I'm just being a lonesome mama.

We talked about what's been going on with both of us since he returned. We both have been under an incredible amount of stress, lately. Yesterday, or was it the day before I was looking at BurnCast on Facebook and watched a lovely video someone took of the temple, as people visited it and up through it's burn.

Of course, I cannot go there to Burning Man, because of my health issues. Well, not unless I can retreat to a motor home with air conditioning. Ha! Perhaps someday... In the past I have given Xavier a paper to put on the wall, so that the requests I put on it would go up in smoke to heaven. (Description and reasoning more complex than sentence implies). Previously, it was a list of the chondrosarcoma patients that died up to that point, and a request for an imminent cure for chondrosarcoma.

As I watched the BurnCast, I was reminded that the heavy part of my heart needs release of the pain that binds me. So in the conversation I asked Xavier if he would be down here in Santa Cruz again any time soon.

No, not before Burning man, he said. But, he knew I had a reason for asking. It hadn't occurred to me, but it did to him. All I have to do is mail him whatever it is I want to have hung in the temple to be burned.

Emptiness Overload

It hurts. I feel real physical pain-- a black hole in my center that once was filled with love. Now it is only filled with emptiness.

Sometimes I have sobbed.

Mostly I can't allow myself to just let go and cry, because of allergies and asthma. I get to where I can't breathe. So, most of the time, this great emptiness, this terrible sadness wells up unexpected. I don't get to release. It is what it is.

I'm in the bookstore and tears come. I have to leave. I'm walking by her favorite chair, I feel my gut churn. I wan't to throw the chair out. I cry. The sadness abates momentarily. It touches every part of my life. I chance upon something, anything, (a chopstick, a twig, water) that triggers a thought of her, no matter how far back in time, and I am in the same pain I had the moment she died, the evening of her death, the day after. The traumatic stress that felt like I'd just seen everything precious to me blown to smitherings.

I washed and put away the food dishes. I couldn't stand to look at them. I couldn't let the other cat eat off them. Much of the time my eyes are dry and barren as my heart. I knew I needed time to grieve and not go out and adopt another cat, but Jeffery grieved and wouldn't eat. I got a cat to keep him company, but also chose that cat, based upon the type of cat I wanted and would find compatible with me, in case Jeffery also died. After all, he is 18 years old, skinny as a rail, has problems keeping his food down. Drinks tons of water, cant remember where the food is, constantly asks to go outdoors then come back in. His meow is one of pain. It's not normal.

I put off taking him to the vet. I know what he is going to tell me. It will cost a ton of money to keep Jeffery alive, or half a ton of money to put him to sleep. In either case the reality is that Jeffery suffers. Am I too selfish by wanting to keep him alive as long as possible? How can I really tell when it is time to let go? I didn't know when it was Keli's time! I was in shock when the vet told me it was too late for her, or pay thousands to treat her, but no guarantee she would survive.

Birthday Kitty

Got me a new kitty for my birthday!

Newer pics of Jeffery and Ninja

Kobe didn't seem to like his name. He always ran the other way if you called him. I figure living with dogs might have had something to do with it.

Jeffery and Ninja are not getting along as well as I would like. Jeffery, in particular seems to be fading. Which might have something to do with his snarling at Ninja and not making peace with one another.

This makes Ninja a little bit nervous and he stays out of Jeffery's way. Jeffery is not able to take care of his fur and fights me if I try to brush him, crying in pain. So I leave him be.

Ninja on the other hand grooms himself often and he's one sleek kitty. Of course he's about ten years younger than Jeffery so it is understandable

Ninja and Jeffery still not getting along.
Having to separate.

Jeff continues to lose weight though he's constantly eating
At 18 yrs I guess his time gets near. He seems much less healthy than Keli was. Which might explain his total disregard for Ninja.

Stop Death Stop Grief

Still grieving Keli. When will it stop?
I guess stopping grief is like stopping death.
The only thing you can do is wait until it is over.

Nine Lives Gone

She...
ruled my life,
filled my heart,
now haunts my soul.

I knew she would go sometime
But, not so soon.

Nineteen years, six months
was not enough for me.

She's run out of her ninth life.
Why couldn't there be ten?

She loved playing with that feather boa.
Pink feathers everywhere.
I wish I still had it.

I miss her.

Rare Breed of Cat

Shall I adopt this very rare breed of cat? I have heard that rabbits can be house trained, but I dont know if that means they can use a litter box. But, then I know there might be a problem with it dispersing baskets.

I came across this spoofed picture yesterday.
couldn't resist using it. I sent it around to friends and family like I did that picture of the obese shelter cat. Again some took me seriously. A few really thought that this was a rabbit, and some thought it was a cat. Or maybe everyone is trying to humor me? Maybe they think I've gone off my rocker? (Well, I have.)

Maybe I can send it over to Desiree's garden for it's regular feedings? Heh Heh Heh

Though it may have more carnivorous appetite, considering it's stripes.

Sacred Feeder Dish

Yesterday Kats and I went to the big pet food store. It's huge. They have dog training classes there right in the middle of the store. There must have been 20 or 30 dogs. It was mayhem. We had to pass through them all to get to the Cat aisles.

We had decided to get Jeffery the one kind of cat food that we knew he loved to eat. It's shredded. It has turkey, gravy and cheese in it.

Then we met a lady who works there and I told her the situation. She told me to feed him dried kitten food because it was high in calories, and he could gain weight. We bought a small bag because I wasn't even sure that he would eat it.

When Keli was here he wasn't interested in dry food hardly at all. Used to take a bite or two and leave. But, I was desperate. so we bought it.

When we got home, I looked around for the plastic cat feeder. You put the food into this large container and it comes out a hole in the bottom into a plastic bowl. Keli had it for years.

When Keli died I took all her stuff and put it away because every time I looked at it, I cried. So then I found the dry food feeder and I cried while I put the kitten food in it, and set it down.

Suddenly Jeffery was there gobbling down the food. He kept going back to it all night. So, it looks like he might start eating again. We just didn't have the right menu!

Lonesome Kitty

I keep thinking that if Jeffery has a little competition for food, and have a buddy, he would be happier. I was gone all day yesterday to Stanford U med cntr and he was very clingy when I got home.

I am still fresh with grief and it breaks through at the most inconvenient times, while driving for example, in the middle of a good TV show, while reading an absorbing book. while brushing my teeth.

I hadn't been able to watch TV at first, or read or anything. So making myself do these things, I thought, would help me get through it. But, last night I was howling like a banshee, I cried so hard.

Funny, it didn't scare Jeffery, but made him crawl up closer to my face, as if my armpit wasn't close enough!

Note: This picture was taken several months ago.

No Fat Cats for Me!

No other cat could replace Keli. But, I have decided to look for another cat for Jeffery's sake. Jeffery is mourning her. He is already skin and bones since I got him last summer, but now he is barely eating a thing, only weighs 10 lbs, meows all the time, follows me around the house, wanders back and forth looking in closets and hiding places. Even though he laid down with her those few hours after and seemingly knew she was dead, I don't know if he realized she wasn't coming back.

I think if ever I am meant to get another cat, just for me, it will happen, but not right now. Even finding a cat for Jeffery I am not just picking the first one I see.

I had sent a picture of a shelter cat as actually as a joke asking friend's and family opinion on if I should adopt him. (see below) I couldn't possibly get a cat that huge and bulding at the seams. He would swallow Jeffery in one bite. And a long hair is out of the question. They take so much care, and I am often not home, going to doctors and such. I think that is also one reason Jeffery is so lonesome.

I would never get a humongous cat like that, especially with all the fur. Not only would Jefferey NOT like a cat 3 times his size, but Kats would leave me because of the cat hair we would be swimming in. I wasn't serious about sending this picture out to friends. But so many took me seriously! I just have to clarify here. It's just when I went to the shelter's website and saw that this cat had not been adopted in years, I could see why!

As for the shelters around here, I don't know if it is California law or not, but all of them test for Leukemia and something else, I can't remember at the moment. They spay and neuter, and give them all their shots. Then of course, I would get to pay for all that as part of the adoption fee. Fortunately as a Senior I would get a discount.

Two other things they do is "no kill", as long as the animal is healthy. They can do that because they have foster programs. People can volunteer to foster a cat, or several until they are adopted by someone. That way a long term cat doesn't get psychotic being locked in a cage all the time. Also, if I adopt an old cat, then I get a big discount.

Adopting Jeffery last summer, I got him for nothing. Part was the regular discount for my being a senior, part was for him being a senior (he's 15 or more) part was that he was already there 6 weeks.

They had a glut of animals because of all the forest fires we had. Animals who didn't have any collars and tags or chips and their owners never called, were put up for adoption. Jeffery was a fire rescue cat. He still has a bit of asthma. The other part of my getting him for free is that there is a benefactor who donates money to certain kitty owners. She had her eye on me, and also on Jeffery, because he was being considered for euthanasia, so she covered the difference. She is called the Kitty Angel.

One of the problems that I see with the no kill policy is that the longer the cat is there the fatter they get from inactivity, so I don't think they are very healthy if they weigh so heavy. And, since I have Jeffery on high calorie diet, I can just see the problems I would have feeding one a low cal diet and him a high one! No fat cats for me, even though I'm a fat cat!

Things that go bump in the night

I couldn't sleep last night. Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment and afterward I wandered (in my car) just kind of spaced out, and not knowing, or caring where I was going.

Several times I decided on a different destination then ended up at the SPCA to look at cats. Did I think I would find a living Keli there? They had about 8 cats for adoption. All very huge cats at least 25 lbs each. They were big! And of course, I couldn't bring myself to even connect with any of them. I felt numb, and they had no appeal for me. There is a second kind of shelter in my county (no kill) and I went there too. Even though they had a beautiful Calico I couldn't bring myself to bring her home. either. So it wasn't just fat cats that turned me off.

My main purpose in this is not to replace Keli, but to find a kitty that Jeffery can have as a companion. He is pretty miserable without Keli. I've got to find one soon. Even if I don't bond with it, the importance will be for Jeffery's sake. He is down to eating less than half his normal portion of food. He yowls and meows at me whenever I come home. He follows me from room to room. He wants to lay down as close to me as he can, and put his face right next to mine. He needs a friend!

I felt Keli's presence last night. There is a space above my bed beneath the lamp where she used to warm herself. Last night I felt her jump down from that space and land on my shoulder (ever so lightly) as she used to do. Can a cat be a ghostly spirit? I must believe so or I must believe I am delusional. Insane maybe, but not delusion. I choose to believe it was Keli

So many things

Keli truly had quite a personality and character unlike any other pet I have ever had.

She was my best friend for nearly twenty years.There are so many things I enjoyed about her, like how she would come and balance herself on the edge of the bathtub and drink the hot water while I was in it, even just 2 weeks ago!

I think she truly had a great sense of herself.

She was such a comfort to me so many times when I was sick.

The 15 year old kitty I adopted last summer, the "fire cat" (I call him that because he was rescued from a local forest fire) Jeffery, was to be her companion while I was away at doctor appointments. She was getting lonesome while I was gone and gave me the yowling and biting treatment for leaving her. So, Jeffery was a good diversion for her and she stopped a lot of that behavior after he came along.

Last August she was so sick, I almost lost her then, but was able to nurse her back to health. But this time I couldn't help her enough. Last week I had surgery and it kept me from giving her the personal attention she needed and she faded quickly. I was very tempted to shave her belly and put a whole bunch of fentanyl patches on her, but she was in so much pain I would not have been able to shave her without major clawing and biting. Besides, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I called around to find the cheapest vet. fifty five dollars to walk in the door to have the cat "looked at", a thousand dollars or more to have her treated (long story there) and no guarantee she would survive the treatment at her age, and $300 to have her euthanized, cremated and disposed. More if I wanted to take her ashes home in a box. I would have wanted that.

I went to the vet to at least get an opinion, and explained my finances and my plan to do the fenanyl. He explained all the if's and's and but's about why it might not work and could cause her more suffering and hurt her more. He also explained the treatments that would be needed with her being hospitalized for them all.

One thing I appreciated, he handled her tenderly as if he loved her as much as I do. There was no grabbing her by the scruff and manhandling her the way I have seen some Vets do. I cried as I explained the finances and I struggled with putting charges on my credit card How could I pay it off? Well, I could and I would even if it too a long time. It would be worth it to me to have Keli be well. He explained there was no guarantee that she would survive the treatments.

The possible damage from when Terry's dog attacked her, could have had something to do with all this, and if that was the case, the damage wouldn't be reparable. He kindly waived the higher charges and provided euthanasia while I held her. It was 88 dollars and he did not charge the 55 for the intake exam.

I cannot even go into the details of what that was like to look at her then in those last moments. Maybe some other time.

One word of advice: NEVER take a sick animal to the vet by yourself!

Driving home hysterical is challenging, to say the least. At least I got to bring her home with me, though I couldn't bear to look at her or touch her or I would have gone off the road.

The vet gave me that price with the understanding that he is "looking the other way" to my not having her body disposed of legally. You cannot bury a pet in the ground in city limits or maybe it's county limits, I forget)

I brought her in, wrapped in her blankey and laid her on the bed. Next thing you know Jeffery was up there sitting beside her. It totally flabbergasted me. It's not like they were the best of friends, more like roomates, okay they kept each other company, but he was more grumpy than she and often greeted her with hisses if they met in the doorway. So, for him to sit beside her closely like that.... sitting shiva. maybe he cared for her more than I knew. Grumpy old man.

I waited quite a while to see if he would get down but he didn't, so I got on the bed, which I had intended to do in the first place, and I just held her and petted her while he stayed beside us. Then I laid her back down and called my housekeeper and asked her to call her father in law who sometimes does gardening for me. They came over right away and she translated while I explained how I wanted the grave to be dug and where. Before they left she took the trash out for me.

I stood in the doorway and a neighbor cat from two blocks over came up to the door. Esther picked it up and put it in my arms. Cinnamon let me hold her like a baby and purred. It's the oddest thing. I haven't seen Cinnamon in about a year. Her and Keli used to hang out in the garden together. They were real girlfriends. Kitty telepathy? Was Cinnamon over to pay her respects? It was so odd.

I had texted both Kats and Xavier and asked them to come be with me. Xavier was in conference all day and never saw my message til the next morning. Yes, even game companies have real business to take care of... who woulda thunk it?

Kats couldn't get off from work until after 7:30pm and had to drive from Palo Alto to Sunnyvale to get home, then over 17 to get here. He probably wouldn't have been able to show up til 9 or so.

I got crazy.

I knew if he came that late he would have to turn around immediately in order to get back home to sleep and get up at 430 the next morning to go to work, and I remembered that he had not slept well the two nights before. He's no spring chicken anymore, and I worry about him.

I took Keli, still wrapped in the blanket and drove with the intent of beating him home. By about Aptos, he called to tell me he was on his way. I told him No, that I was coming. He argued with me but I was like a maniac. NO NO NO, I kept telling him.

He firmly told me to go back home and he would be there soon. and hung up. Kept calling him back over and over til he answered (sounds so childish now) and insisted that I would meet him at the summit. By this time knew that I had my mind made up. We both arrived in the parking lot at the same exact moment. We spent some time together. He petted her and comforted me, which, selfishly, was what I needed the most. Not just so he could say goodbye to Keli.

It is a good thing after all, that we met where we did. His car was overheating and smelled like the engine had blown. At least he could coast it down the hill to get back home. (next day he took it for repairs)

I headed home. this time I was able to pet her all the way without driving off the road, or feeling like I wanted to drive off the road. At home, I wrapped her in plain cotton flannel, torn from a sheet, and used plastic grocery bags and put her in the freezer until we can actually bury her Saturday. My son is coming up then. He was just age 11 when she was born.

I am totally ashamed of myself, but I can't seem to help it. When my parents died I did not have this much grief. When members of the group die, I have a lot of grieving.

But this is tearing me up pretty bad. I physically feel like I have been beat up. Everything hurts from head to toe, I feel like I am walking through wet cement, that is, when I can get myself up an moving. I feel like I am carrying a huge rock on my head it hurts so much. Not a headache, just pain. Don't know how to describe it.

Everywhere I look I am reminded of her, and just want to curl up and die with grief.

Thank heavens Desiree came over the next day when I told her not to. I asked her to take my rocking chair out of the living room and put it in the garage. That was where Keli spent most of her time these last few months. On the rocking chair, with the heating pad, the foam pad, the sheepskin and the blankey. Queen of the house, with her little pink step stool so she could climb up there. I grabbed the stool and put it away in the back room only to regret it later as I found it and crumbled like a deck of cards last night. I cannot comprehend that I am actually going through all this emotion. Like I said, I am ashamed of myself. It was my cat, not my family member.

Kats said "Are you going to react like this when I die?" His Japanese-ness just wonders how I could feel this way. I told him I would be worse. He was surprised. Oh how I wish I were Japanese right now. And could be all Zen and free from the angst.

Mensa and the High IQ Society Cat

Keli went to a Mensa meeting with me once when I lived in Indiana.

She liked to sit on my shoulder, while I walked around and visited with people. She would let them pet her, or she would sniff at them, but never would she jump down. But early on in the meeting, I was reminded that some people were allergic to cats, so I took her back out to my van to wait for me. Other people could walk out to the parking lot and she wouldn't bother to look up or out from where ever she was located in the van. But, as soon as I walked out the front door and headed for the parking lot, there she was, pacing back and forth across the dash. How did she know it was me?

She loved traveling.

Morning Has Broken

There is no morning without sleep
I am in mourning

Am I one of those "crazy cat ladies" you always hear about? I never knew it would hurt so much.

Cat Funeral Plans

Keli was born alive with me as mid-wife. She and I have been bonded ever since. She never slept or fed with the other kittens, always being on her own schedule and left her siblings when she was old enough to be with me, follow me everywhere.

She had a way of understanding when I've been ill, and offered so much comfort to me over the years. She was 19 1/2 years old. I think that's about 96 in people years. I have had many cats in my life, but not one like her.

It is inexplicable to me how much more bereft I am than I thought was possible. It's physical as well as emotional. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

Kats and Xavier will be here this weekend. Her grave has been dug (very deep) by Miguel, Esther's father in law, and she will be put to rest beside my back door on Sunday.

I intend to put her favorite plant over her. Cat Mint instead of Cat Nip. Though she liked both, she preferred the first.