Starving Cat Needs Help!

Everyone took my New Year's resolution to heart and now I'm so sorry I made one. I regret it and wish I could take it back, erase it from memory!

I'm starving to death here! Do you understand? Starving! I weighed 13 pounds and now I weigh 11 pounds. Can you imagine it? And still everyone calls me a fat cat!

Admittedly, I have a low hanging pouch, and Queen Bambi says I waddle when I walk, and I still cannot leap to the bedroom window sill to watch the birds. Who wants to watch those dumb old birds, anyway?

Mama-san took me at my word and is "helping" me to lose weight. She put one feeder in the guest bedroom filled with diet cat food. She expects Bambi and me to eat it. Well, at first it tasted great and no matter how much I gobble, I get to feeling quite weak in the paws.

The feeder for Spyder and Buffy is in the other room. Mama-san made sure that we can't get to it by pushing it up against the wall and setting other objects in front of it too tight for us grown ups to squeeze through. NOT FAIR!!! Those two have the delicious food!

I have complained and complained to both Mama-san and The Monk but neither will relent! Pretty soon, I will waste away to skin and bones! Oh, woe is me!

Morning Meows

Ninja woke me up this morning nudging and meowing. He has a very distinctive meow. It's what I call a baritone. If he were a human (heaven forbid!) he would be one of those big guys with the deep resonant booming voice that no matter how much he might try to lower the volume, the actual tonal quality still vibrates the soul. Ninja's meowing is not to be ignored!

He can be quite the gentleman cat and very patient. He approaches me first on one side of the bed, "Meow".

I turn over. "Umph... go'way, Ninja."

He stands there a moment staring a hole through my eyelids. I put the pillow over my head. He goes over to the other side of the bed and jumps up so silently (like a ninja) that I don't even realize he is there until his cold nose meets mine. Sneaky guy!

"Get down, Ninja!" He walks away, making sure I feel him do so. I relax a moment and start to drift off again. He gives me plenty of time to believe I am dreaming. Then from the doorway, in his best sing-song opera style.....  MEEEEE-OOOOOW!

I think to myself, "I don't want him to think he can DEMAND I wake up and get out of bed JUST to feed him!"  So, I leisurely slide out of bed, acting like I am totally ignoring him. In fact, I pretend I don't even know he is standing there patiently in the hallway. My feet go in my slippers, my robe on my shoulders and I head to the bathroom to do what we all do in there first thing in the morning. I even close the door so he can't follow me in. "Oh, sorry Ninja. I didn't see you..." again speaking to myself inside my head. And, "Were you waiting for moi?" when I exit. Of course he was.

This is now the tricky part. How do I get in the kitchen without having the army of cats living in my house come in for the onslaught? I could say I don't. But believe it or not, the others are not interested in Ninja's strange feeding habits that he has so successfully trained me to observe. Well, except for Buffy da Bampire Flayer. She is interesting in seeing what's going on with Ninja's diet. She wants to sniff it and sometimes taste it. But, the truth is they all get the same food and though she keeps suspecting Ninja might be getting something superior, she walks away disgusted, leaving him to munch in peace.

Ninja has lost his patience with me when we enter the kitchen. Though he only meows once when I am putting the water on to make my tea. The instant I have completed that arduous task he ramps up the volume. Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where a character is shouting at another and they make it look like a big wind is blowing down the other character. Of course you have. That's how it is with Ninja at this point.

He can meow in three octaves all at once. His vocalizations travel throughout the scale of  Baritone, Bass and throw in a bit of tenor. Once in a while there is a quality of unexpected mezzo-soprano.

I try not to rush. I know he is commanding me, "HURRY UP! FEED ME! NOW!

But, I remain cool as a cucumber, though my spine is vibrating! It's like having a screaming infant in distress underfoot! I reach into the bag of Blue Buffalo cat food, grab a bit, (not too much or he'll swallow it whole) and nonchalantly take the bowl out of the cupboard.

I am fortunate that Ninja minds his manners, unlike my other cats, and does not jump up on the counter. Whoever had him those first seven years of his life before I adopted him instilled in him the law that counter jumping is a crime. So, I am saved the discomfort of having to discourage him from interrupting my bowl fetching.

However.... his incessant "NOW!  NEOW!!  NEOW!!!" wins of course and I bow down to his greatness and place my offering before him.

Ahhhh...... Silence is golden.

crunch... munch... crunch... crunch... munch... crunch... munch...crunch... munch...

Stormy Weather

We had a tremendous thunderstorm the other night. Mind you... we do NOT get thunder and lightning with our rain around here. *sigh... I miss it* But, it was a HUMDINGER! I was in seventh heaven. I had the bedroom window open a bit so I could hear better. But, then. All of a sudden...a flash of lightning and BOOOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOOM!

It shook the house! Just for second I wondered if we might have had an earthquake at the same time as thunder. Then I thought for sure a tree in the backyard had been hit by lightning.

Buffy, my youngest kitty, had been asleep in her little kitty tent on top of the armoire in the corner next to the window. That little girl FLEW! Her feet did not touch the armoire, did not pass go. She landed in the complete opposite corner of the room down by the closet. If the door had been open she would have been inside it. She crouched down and looked terrified. I never saw a cat vibrate in fear.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

She tore that vampire bat apart. She is so fierce, my little kitten sister. She is so brave, she even chases Queen Bambi and Ninja, too. She not afraid when Ninja growls and hisses. She just walk right up to him close as she can and act all innocent like. My little sister is more than a Sissy, better than a Sissy! Because that name... Sissy... don't fit her at all, 'cause she ain't no scaredy sissy cat. She even beat up Mr. Bear with her ferocious back foots! None of us can even go near Mr. Bear 'cause he scare us.

She so smart, too. She know how ta play mousie better than me! Really! Even though I bigger than her and older than her, she already know how to take the mousie over to Mommy so her can throw it for her, and then she bring it back. Do you know how long it took me to train Mommy to do that? And she talks to Mommy all the time with her purry sing-song voice. And Mommy talks back to her the same way. And she know how to worm her way into Mommy's heart just perfect, too!

I just loves my little sister kitten! We all do, even Ninja! So, we kept deciding on a new name for her, a name that fit her better. Cause that how to name a cat, is to look at them purrsonality. We thought of all kind of warrior queen cat names, but none was right. Then her went into our toybox and pulled out that scary vampire bat from Halloween that we don't like ta play with. She toss in air and kill it good and tear off it wings and head. She is wild child! And Ninja, he so impressed he let her take a nap with him!

So, that's why we are now calling her Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. But, mostly we just call her Buffy. Guess what! We found out that the name Buffy is a nickname. It is another name for Elizabeth. You probably already know that is da name of our Mommy. So, it kinda funny we name her Buffy.

The Queen's Birthday

Last month was my birthday, but did anyone notice? No! How could the most auspicious day of a Queen's life go unnoticed? Easy!!!

You see, I’m a Christmouse Eve baby. And because the world has a long-standing tradition of celebrating Christmouse on Christmouse Eve, I've never really had a special day that was just for me. On December 24th, the actual day of my birth, effurryone was always so busy preparing for and celebrating Christmouse that sometimes, it would be late in the evening before I heard those all-too-familiar words, “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy Birthday.”

So here I was this last birthday and it was a non-event! I waited patiently on the table for Mom to come home from visiting her family, and I waited patiently for her to acknowledge my birthday, but obviously she forgot!!!



The other day I was sitting in the window watching the birds when I overheard the dogs next door. They were right beside the fence. I heard them discussing a marvelous park nearby where their Mom takes them for walks. It has been sooooo long since I have been out in nature, I craved to go to that park. So, every chance I get, I head for the door whenever anybuddy comes in or goes out. I wasn't very lucky untii today.

 Woo Hoo! Freedom!!! I have to admit the park was a couple blocks away and I'm not in good shape having gained quite a bit of weight since I've been here. So, I was quite breathless when I got there. Oh... but the scents of the place were wonderful. The green grass felt heavenly beneath my paws (yes, we have grass here in California) and the dirt. Oh the dirt was absolutely heavenly. I cast my fates to the wind and allowed myself the indulgence of my younger years and just rolled in that dirt until I was unrecognizable. I even found something delicious to eat.

Unfortunately, I couldn't help but hear Mom calling me and I knew she was getting frantic by the tone of her voice and the vibrations she sent out through the neighborhood. So I went back home much to her great appreciation. Now that's all I really wanted for my birthday. Love and appreciation!

Can a Cat Propose?

I, Ninja Panther Moonrose, hereby propose my New Year's Resolutions:

1. I shall lose weight.
How I will do this, I don't know. Mama-San has already put the kitten's automatic feeder in a position so tight against the wall, and behind a terrarium that I can't quite get to it! Besides, when I try to squeeze behind there, she reminds me with a squirt of her water pistol to get out of there. She is so helpful! But, my own feeder is freely available to me at any time day or night. It's full of diet cat food, the best that money can buy, I've been told. That being the case, you would think I would lose weight. But, here I am at 14 pounds, that's one full stone in UK weight. I know there are others who might weigh this much normally, but I'm a small bone ninja cat. My full grown up body weight when I was adopted was 11 pounds.... (.78 stone) You would think that with our new little baby kitten hanging around here and chasing me all the time, all that exercise would get rid of those extra love handles (my cat pouch)

2. I shall make every endeavor to exercise
The best way I know how to do this is to go outside like I did when I was young and fit. Jumping fences, tormenting the dogs to chase me, leaping after birds, hunting mouses. You know, stuff like that. But, that's hard to accoomplish when Mama-San keeps the doors and windows locked all the time. And since The Monk installed those cat proof window screens, I can no longer successfully open them no matter how I try! Not fair!

3. I shall help our new baby kitten to grow up healthy.
I already help her by cleaning out her bowl of nice wet food when she walks away. We don't want her to eat stale food, now, do we?

4. I shall continue to protect and serve Her Royal Highness, Queen Bambi.
I guess I should have made this one first and foremost. huh?

5. I will continue to educate that stubborn and slow minded boycat, Spyder, in kitty martial arts.
What more can I say. Self explanatory!

6. I will respect Mama-San by not putting my open claws in her lap.
She always screeches when I do it, so I don't think she likes it! Though sometimes I can't help myself. She's got a good cat pouch growing and it just invites me to dig into it. You know what I mean?

7. I will continue to enthusiastically greet the Monk whenever he calls on the telephone and push my face right up into the receiver to guarantee that he hears me.
I shall do this because he likes it, plus all his friends who hear him on the phone talking to me, realize I'm one pawsome cat

8. I will greet the Monk at the door and walk around between his legs in order to help him when he is bringing in his luggage.
I understand this helps him considerably to keep his balance.

9. I will test out all the kitty beds in the house, even if they already belong to somecat else.
After all, my bed is all the way in the back guest room and too much trouble to get to. And this keeps everyone in suspense and they need the tension! ...What?!!!

 10. I will jump up on the bed between the Monk and Mama-San just as soon as they get comfortable, and roll all over them so that they can enjoy the inexplicable honor of petting me and rubbing my belly.

They like to do that the best and I am willing to accommodate them. In fact I wake them up in the middle of the night to allow them to do so every chance I get. I don't understand why they keep putting me out of the room.

This is a pretty impressive New Year's resolution plan. Don't you think? What are yours?