Dec 4, 2007

Woman Viciously Attacked, she says

I really got annoyed with my person last night. First, she didn't give me fresh water, just that old stale stuff from yesterday. Then, I really wanted canned food. I like the dry food, but my tummy wanted the soft stuff, and no matter how much I MEOWED and YOWLED, she just pretended she didn't know what I was talking about. THAT is no way to treat the Dowager Queen! If I had any other servants besides her, I would be able to get my point across more quickly. As it was, I was quite disappointed. She tries, but she is an idiot. How many times do I have to say, "fresh water" before she gets the hint. I have repeated it and repeated it over and over again, and she just turns a deaf ear! Then, she is pouty when she picks me up and I don't want to be held. If she can't do what I want, why should I be nice to her?

To make matters worse, she went to bed without turning the heater on. Really, it has been much colder lately. Even just the other night it was less than freezing. She went outside and covered up her precious lemon tree with a blanket. But, would she turn the heat on for me? Okay so it wasn't freezing in the house. But, just leaving the electric blanket on all day for me to lie on is not enough. One really needs various sources of heat to be pleased, you know.

Examples of heat that I enjoy:

Direct Sunshine while walking the garden.
Indirect Sunshine while sitting in the doorway.
Indirect Sunshine from behind the screen door.
Indirect Sunchine while lying on the sun warmed carpet.
Direct Sunchine while rolling in mother earth.
Direct Sunxhine while relaxing on the sidewalk.

Electric blanket heat while lying upon it.
Electric banklet heat while lying beneath it.

Electric heater heat while backed up to it.
ELectric heater heat while nose to nose with it.

Gas wall heater heat while stretched out with belly exposed.

So, do you see what I am getting at?

My needs are not being met!

She kept on calling me to come up on her bed. Does she think I am a fool? She didn't have the electrick heater on in her room. She didn't have her electric blanket turned on, and she wants me to lie down BESIDE her while she pokes around on her laptop. It might be tolerable if I could sit on her sternum. At least her breath would heat my nose a littel bit. But, no. She just doesn't get it. Silly woman!!!

Well, then, the last straw, the thing that just plain sent me over the edge, was the litter box. It is kept out in the garage. A decent place to keep it. At least I can have my privacy out there. Even though the garage is not heated (except when the drying machine is running), I can take my time scraping at the litter and turning around as much as I want without someone being nearby and bothering me.

I do have to admit that my person had a great idea when she put the long piece of carpet down in the garage. It leads directly from the door to my litter box. The pads of my paws do not ever have to come into contact with that cold cement floor. So, I cannot complain there.

However, as I was saying, the thing that took me over the edge was the problem with access to the litter box. She closes off that door to the garage so that the cold air wont come into the house, and so she can be stingy and leave the heat off. Then, she forgets that the door is closed. I don't know how many times I went to her and meowed and led her toward the garage door, but she never followed me all the way. Actually I think she just happened to be behind me on those occasions as she ended up getting herself some tea (really smells interesting) or to take her pills or whatever.

I was really getting quite frustrated and she knows I will hold it until the cows come home. But, there is a limit to what a Dowager Queen can put up with.

I climbed up on that bed and sat beside her while she petted me. She didn't have a clue what I was up to (heh heh) and she kept doing her computer thing while I was purring up a storm and getting lots of petting. But, you know as well as I do that I had a mission to get that garage door opened! So, at just the exact right moment as she held down the cursor with her right and had pulled her hand away from petting me, I struck like a COBRA!

Yes, I got her a good one.

Oh, did I tell you she had also been ignoring me while talking on the phone at that time too. I am sure that her daughter knew exactly what had happened, because Elizabeth only yells out those fancy four lettered words when I can make an incision on her forearm.

It's much better place to attack than the hand, you get more meat to dig into. The hand has a tendency to withdraw quicker and the target is not as easily affected.

Still with such precision and expertise as I could muster, I still didn't manage to jump away quick enough. You think I would learn by now, after all. But, really, I still have a tendency to believe that she will turn to me and say, "I'm sorry, your majesty, I wasn't paying proper attention! What is your wish? I will fulfill it now."

So, of course, she did NOT do that. Instead she grabbed me by the scruff (where is the cruelty to animals society when you need them?) while she continued to yell those obscenities.

How dare she speak to me like that?!!!

I really had to laugh at her just then, because she wears an earphone when she is talking on the telephone. So what happened was, the phone fell off the bed onto the floor separating itself from the earphone plug. But. while it was falling it yanked her head to the side and popped the earphone right out of her ear.

That was my chance to get away, as she reached for her popped ear with one hand and the falling phone with the other.

Triumph!!! I got away.

But, just to make sure that she understood how rotten I think she is, I yowled a long string of obscenities at her from the other room. And I kept it up for some time. Well, until she shouted at me to SHUT UP!

Yes, she can be quite childish at times.

I sat meatloaf style as close to the pilot light of the gas wall heater as I could while waiting to see what would happen next. It wasn't long before she had retrieved her phone, hooked up the earphone again, finished her conversation with her daughter and then headed for the bathroom to wash her wounds (it would be so much more efficient if she washed with her tongue!) and then she put some gooey Neosporin on her incision. She claims it is three inches long. It is NOT! It is only about 2 and a half inches long. I would have had a lot more satisfaction if it had been three inches long!

Well, to make a long story short. She did eventually head to the kitchen where I headed her off and directed her clumsy feet toward the garage door. In the meantime, I am sending her the psychic message (if only her brain would open to receive it I would never have to go through all this drama!) and she actually got it. So, she opened the garage door and propped it open with the heavy litter container.


What I cannot figure out, after all this, is why she was disappointed that I didn't go right out and use the litter box immediately. She waited around for a while as if she wanted to shut the door again. But, I was not going to fall for that, as then I would have to wake her in the early hours and go through the same thing again. No, I wanted that door open, and I wanted it to stay open all night long.
So, she finally went off to bed leaving the garage door open. I let her cuddle me for a while. After all, she does need to feel wanted and loved. I do love her, I just can't let her feel like I love her more than she loves me. Otherwise it becomes a lovefest contest and that can be so exhausting, purring and being petted all the time. A cat needs her down time, too! It's only natural. Just look at my ancestry, or my big country cousins, and you will understand. All cats are not cuddly all the time.

Just to make sure she got the message, I soon moved away to her feet, then when the wall heater came on (because the cold air was coming in from the garage) I went to sleep beside it's soothing warmth. After all, my bones are not as springy as they once were.

At my age, a cat has got to do what a cat has got to do.

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